The new me that’s really the regular me

I haven’t told my close friends that I have Asperger’s. I probably should, but I don’t know if I can emotionally, yet or ever.

They already think I’m an odd quirky writer, I’m not ready for them to look at me different, as someone with a disablity and not me as their friend.

My mom has told many of her friends and neighbors, and I can see a change in the way they treat me. Mom tells me some (I doubt all) of the things they say about me when she visits, and it hurts. It hurts because I know what they used to say about me and how they used to treat me. Then, as soon as they find out, it’s as if I’m not the same person anymore. Somehow I suddenly transformed to a broken burden that my poor family has to deal with. A problem for society, and they must tell mom all their answers on how to “handle” me.

Because of that, I constantly am overachieving to proof to them – and maybe myself – that I’m the same person. But no matter how hard I try, I see pity and judgment in their eyes, that I’m impaired or lesser than before.

This may be a weird comparison, but it’s as if they knew me as a human, then one day they found out that on full moons I turn into a werewolf. Now, every time they see me, all they see is the werewolf, never the human. Yet, they don’t really know anything about werewolves, only things the y do known are what they’ve heard about them, and from those things they now see me. (Unrelated: there is a full moon coming up and its called the Flower Moon.)

I want to scream to them: it’s still me. I’m the same as I was yesterday before you knew, back when you were talking and laughing with me. Back when you saw me as a human being, not something lesser.

(I might write more about this later because this post is turning out to be quite long already.)

*featured image credit unknown

Advertisements

6 comments

  1. Aspergian · May 4, 2015

    I as well, have not told anyone. Though I do not know as many people, so do not have the same anxieties and people treating me differently. It remains a difficult situation thanks to all the movies and TV series that have created stereotypes about us.

    Nonetheless, This was a sad read; It’s such a pity you’re being treated differently. Unfortunately this is everywhere in society; from gender identity to mental identity.

    [Trying to end on something positive]… All i can say is… I hope this experience makes you stronger and a more resilient person!

    Sorry.

    Like

    • Thanks. It hurts. Had to deal with it again today. It’s a sharp pain to the heart. It makes a part in me wonder if they’re right in how they see me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Aspergian · May 7, 2015

    Hi, hope you don’t mind, but i nominated your blog for the Lieber Award. I appreciate the candor of your thoughts and being an aspie, I appreciate people showing me that they are paying attention and listening and THERE. so this is my way of doing that, on some digital level.

    https://asperganoid.wordpress.com/2015/05/07/oh-my-coffee-the-liebster-award/

    Like

  3. wotsbooks · September 23, 2015

    I’m an NT. I’m to sorry to hear that you feel this way but I totally understand and get it. My wife has aspergers and I wouldn’t change her for the world. Is she human? Yes. But she the best that humans can be, honest, loving, consistent etc. Those neighbours that see you as ‘the werewolf’ what do you imagine they turn into when no one’s looking? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • different kind of wallflower · October 6, 2015

      It means a lot to me that you talk about amd see your wife that way. Today was a difficult day, so all your comments on my blog helped me. Thank you. Perhaps they turn into jellyfish, brainless and spinless.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s