I had a meltdown today. One those that I end up sitting in a fetal position, crying into my knees, repeating sentences, feeling hopelessly alone and lost, and all I want to do is give up.
I want to be real here. Since I can’t see your faces to see any judgment, I might as well lay it all out there. This could possibly be a long post.
I am 26, currently living back at home with my mom. I tell people that I have plans to move out soon, and I do have plans to move out, but really I can’t imagine being able to handle that right now.
These past few years have been extremely difficult. We have moved three times, one across the USA, and had to deal with four deaths in our family, two of which were suicides. That alone can throw anyone. It did us. We decided to stick together to help each other, even if that means just living in the same house so we’re not alone. Then there’s my Asperger’s, that adds more stress to the mix.
So today, we’re talking about moving again, back to a community that could support us. (We moved out here to take care of one of the family members that ended up dying naturally). Moving is something that always freaks me out. Then, mom and I get into a stupid argument. I know I’m already over the edge, but I cannot stop. I know I’m going to fall apart soon, but I’m too far over to stop. I rush out the door to fall apart. Who cares what the neighbors think, they already know I’m what I am. At this point, I know they already judge me, and I am so over the edge, screw them.
Sobbing, I leaned up against the side of my mom’s house, and crumbled down to the fetal position. Thus began my meltdown. I felt completely broken, no power to even think about standing up, let alone walking back inside. Feeling COMPLETELY ALONE. Wondering why I was even on this earth. I couldn’t imagine facing another moment, let alone another day.
After some time, my mom came out and sat down next to me. She was able to talk to me to calm me down enough for me to stop repeating myself.
She then went on with telling me hopeful things like: “it’s always darkest before the dawn.” To which I replied, still sobbing: “life’s not a 24 hour day. It’s one long life, getting darker and darker.”
So she began telling me truths. Truths work, not fake-make-you-feel-better lies. They ground me, though hard to hear. Like: “yes, you’re right, you are alone. You came into this world alone and you’ll leave this world alone. Everyone is alone, some feel it differently than others. Some can hide behind their life’s busyness to not notice it.” Or: “you’re right, everyone is judging you. But you have to like who you are no matter what they think about you.”
After a while, I calmed down enough able to go inside, talk to my family, clean up my raccoon mascra eyes, and go on with my evening, still sad, but not broken.
So there you have it, a terrible day of mine. Sorry for any misspellings or grammar errors, I don’t feel like going over what I wrote to fix them.
Hope your day was better, and if not, don’t give up.